UPDATE 04/25: LETTER TO SANGHA FROM SUSANNA AND ALLAN
To Our Dear Friends,
Coming back to CMC these past couple of weeks has been a life-affirming experience for Allan and me. To see all of you, to feel truly home again is the best healing possible.
I have not been able to thank all of you personally or in email for your wonderful messages, gifts and cards. Life has been so overwhelming lately, so please forgive me if I have not reached you. Allan and I so appreciate the kind words and caring thoughts in your messages. It means a lot to us. I wanted to let you know how deeply it touches us, and truly helps.
We have read and cherished each and every message sent. Sometimes they were, quite frankly, the only bright spot in very dark days. I hope you can imagine how precious they are to us. We feel so blessed to be surrounded by such love and caring, a great gift in the midst of terrible darkness.
It has touched our hearts to hear how the teachings have made a difference in your lives. We are extraordinarily privileged to be whatever part we are in offering the dharma. May all beings be safe, may all beings be happy, may all beings be healthy, may all beings live in peace.
Much love,
Susanna and Allan
UPDATE 04/07: LETTER TO SANGHA FROM SUSANNA
Dearest Sangha,
Inner peace always seemed a mystery to me, something that only the most lofty practitioners could ever achieve.
I believed that it wasn’t really inner peace if it didn’t magically make all the bad stuff disappear, as if achieving a sense of equanimity would dispel the turmoil and difficulties in life. I would be floating in a shimmering bubble that would make troubles vanish, sort of Wizard of Oz style. I thought that attaining inner peace would transform the weight of difficult circumstances into not mattering.
I know that what is happening to us right now is too overwhelming, too disastrous and painful for it to simply go away, and yet, I still need to reach some inner peace. And I can. Sometimes it’s just a little glimmer and the woes encroach heavily on any balance I’m trying to find, but it’s there.
It doesn’t mean that I don’t also feel scared, worried, and struggling with the awful things going on in life. It’s that inner peace co-exists from the inside out. It’s not about transforming outer circumstances, or coming up with a teenager’s “whatever,” it’s recognizing that a calm peace can be present at the same time. It’s not perfect, but at times it means everything.
Thank you for coming together to support one another in our practice.
UPDATE 03/31: LETTER TO SANGHA FROM SUSANNA
Dearest Sangha,
OK, remember what I said last week about Relinquishing being so important? Well, forget it, this week it is Acceptance.
I went for my three month CT scan last week, the one that was supposed to pronounce all the vertebral breaks knitted back together. I’ve been waiting for that scan—I was so anticipating taking off the back brace. The first interesting thing I noticed was that I was pretty calm about waiting for the results. When the doctor didn’t call right way as he usually does, I didn’t bug him. I was content to wait, which did kind of surprise me. When the doctor did call, the scan showed…. “minimal healing.” Rats! Of course while it was upsetting, and not what I expected to hear, I really did feel an expanse of acceptance. It just kept growing within me, not erasing the disappointment, but lending me some equanimity at a really bad moment.
Acceptance doesn’t mean floating along unaffected and ineffectual in the face of difficulties or injustice. After taking in the news, I began planning and thinking of ways to access different paths of healing for my back. Not panicking, or desperate, just determined and focused. I didn’t like it, and I was kind of scared, but acceptance allowed me to keep going, to keep being present for Allan as well as for myself.
Allan has surmised that equanimity is the last Parami because it is the reward for practicing all the others—he may just be right.
Thank you for coming together to support one another in our practice.
UPDATE 03/24: LETTER TO SANGHA FROM SUSANNA
Dearest Sangha,
If there is one practice that holds a lot of meaning for me now, it is relinquishing. What a difficult practice, but what gifts I receive if I do loosen my grip. Whenever I can truly open and let go, some pain also releases, and the tightness around my heart softens. It’s as if there is a vise around my heart trying to hold it together, to mend its brokenness, but the attempt merely constricts. Opening up and experiencing all the hurt is sometimes the only thing that can keep me going. I need to relinquish wanting the hurt to not exist, for the accident never to have happened.
But it is so hard. I’m even hanging on to “stuff”! Every so often I lament some belonging that I lost in the crash. I think—that’s beyond ridiculous. Who cares about stuff at a time like this? Joseph Goldstein teaches about renunciation: We don’t have to let go, we simply have to not hold on. I’ve inadvertently witnessed how effective that is as I go about life with half my body immobilized in the back brace. Wearing it has thrown off my spatial perception and balance, and I’m constantly dropping things. By simply not holding on in my usual way, things are easily slipping from my grasp. Of course, that presents its own issue, as I cannot bend to retrieve them. I have become very adept at picking things up with my toes and lifting them up to my hands with my foot. Should any opportunities arise for someone with extremely prehensile feet, do call me.
Thank you for coming together to support one another in our practice.
UPDATE 03/17: LETTER TO SANGHA FROM SUSANNA
Dearest Sangha,
I have thought a lot about kindness since the plane crash and our tumultuous unplanned travels across Southeast Asia. I am astounded at the power that simple acts of kindness hold for me.
In the beginning, as we traveled a terrifying road in strange lands, I was in pain, afraid, desperately trying to keep my husband alive. The smallest gesture from a stranger could mean everything to me. I suddenly was not alone—another human being had touched me, either physically or emotionally, and a bit of comfort and strength flowed from them into me. Their gift of being “with me” even for just a moment, had an enormous impact—a smile, a hand reaching out, was precious.
As Sharon Salzberg has pointed out, kindness is often an underrated quality. Compassion, courage, wisdom are considered lofty and noble, but kindness is sometimes viewed as a namby-pamby second tier practice.
All I can say is that there are moments when kindness has saved me. It has done so in times of crisis, and seems even more important now as the journey goes on. I had always thought that I practiced kindness a lot as I navigated life in NYC. I know now that I could never offer enough of it. I am touched by its impact, and want to embody even more the Dalai Lama’s statement, “My religion is kindness.”
Susanna and Allan want to thank you for the beautiful welcome home flowers.
Thank you for your kindness in coming together to support one another in our practice.
UPDATE 03/10: LETTER TO SANGHA FROM SUSANNA
Dearest Sangha,
I’ve been hearing now and then how the letters I write to you each week are “inspiring”. While that is very nice of you, I just want to make something clear—my letters are all about things I am trying to do—I don’t always get there. I‘ve come across a lot of wisdom through this ordeal, but that doesn’t mean I am always able to live it.
I have found that’s where the work really happens, when I’m trying to actualize my practice in daily life. That’s where compassion, relinquishing, and determination come into reality, instead of just being lofty wonderful concepts–
Compassion for myself when I am falling short.
Relinquishing the desire to have my life back the way it was.
Determination to keep going when it all keeps falling apart.The concept of wisdom becomes real as I discover the meaning of its definition: seeing things as they really are–seeing without “whys”, without “what ifs”, but rather opening up and accepting. Over and over again.
So please don’t be too inspired, because I flop frequently. I just keep following the wisdom of the Buddha in the Nipata Sutta:
Through conviction one crosses over the flood.
Through heedfulness, the sea.
Through persistence one overcomes suffering and stress.
Through discernment a person is purified.Thank you for coming together to support one another in our practice.
UPDATE 03/03: LETTER TO SANGHA FROM SUSANNA
Dear Sangha,
The practice is not magic. As Allan says, it’s a practice–something you do–that’s why they call it a practice. Our ability to practice can be challenged at times when we would least expect it.
Allan came home from the hospital this week. His medical treatments and therapies will continue as an outpatient, and there is a lot of joy for us at this significant moment in his journey of healing. And…lots of challenges. I am struggling to feel the happiness and celebration along with those challenges. How do I let go of the sensation that I am being swept away by the enormous issues? How do I practice so that I don’t ignore the joy, simply because joy is not a problem to be solved, another matter to be dealt with, or a medical need to be met?
No matter how bewildering, no matter how unimaginable the situation, it does come down to a basic truth of living in the moment, appreciating each moment as a part of life. Allan and I came so close to death, and are slogging through so much pain and fear to rebuild our bodies and our lives. Not to savor in each precious moment whatever small kernel of beauty or tenderness is there, as well as whatever is painful or frightening, would be foolish.
Allan told me of a conversation he once had with Sharon Salzberg. As friends do, he was kind of grousing about how his life at that time was full of problems and headaches, how he was feeling quite down. Sharon said, ”Well, are you at least enjoying feeling down?” That seems at first startling and rather odd, but how wise. Why can’t we experience a sort of appreciation for all the feelings of being alive? It’s not a non-stop happy trip, but there is something exquisitely human about truly experiencing the dark moments of life.
We have been so hurt. We have gone through so much, with so much more to come. Allan and I know that we have precious gifts in our lives to make it all worthwhile. It seems to me, to go through all this and be same person I was before would make it somehow meaningless. I want to grab great armfuls and great heartfuls of the gift of being alive.
May all of you, no matter what is going on in your life right now, celebrate that gift with me.
Thank you for coming together to support one another in our practice.
UPDATE 02/27: Allan’s book Patience and incident covered on Head Butler blog.
UPDATE 02/24: LETTER TO SANGHA FROM SUSANNA
Dear Sangha,
You know how you are sitting quietly, with the best intentions to meditate, and monkey mind comes cavorting in? One thought jumps to another until you find yourself ten minutes later in a fantasy that will never happen, on a memory trip so remote and unimportant that you can’t believe you even remember it, or re-creating that conversation where you finally realize what you should have said. I hope you are all smiling and nodding, because I will feel much better if I know I am not the only one who goes through this on a regular basis. May I tell you about mine the other day, since it did lead to someplace wonderful?
Allan wears soft stretchy gloves right now to hold on dressings that cover his hands and fingers, but the fingertips are cut off. They are made of a white mesh material, and someone commented to us that they look like a white version of Madonna’s black lace gloves. Remember? Allan, with his single-minded passion for classical music looked blank at the suggestion, but I immediately conjured her up. So, of course, in my meditation, there came Madonna. And there she came in that movie, Desperately Seeking Susan. I was a modern dancer back when that film came out, teaching and rehearsing a lot on the Lower East Side. So my monkey mind jumped to that wonderful thrift shop we all used to go to on Second Avenue and 7th Street, where Madonna shopped in the movie. The shop was called “Love Saves the Day”. Well, now I have embarrassingly dated myself, but it was worth it to come to that name: Love Saves the Day, because that is exactly what is happening to Allan and me.
In the most dire of circumstances, filled with trauma, fear and pain, it is always love that saves us. All kinds of love are coming to our rescue, all the time. There is our love for one another, which seems to grow deeper and sweeter. Crisis has not diminished our devotion, but shown us even more how precious it is. There is the compassionate love for all the other people who are suffering here in the hospital. It is heartbreaking to see the sadness and pain and grief that constantly churn in this giant medical center. When I see the bewildered looks, the anguish on the faces of families as they receive reports on their dear ones, I almost vibrate with how they are feeling, and my heart aches. Just when our dukkah seems almost too much to bear, we see a patient in worse straits, and our suffering loosens its grip just enough so we can offer metta for them.
We’ve also been saved by our love for the dharma, that precious gift freely offered by the Buddha. And there is our love for all of you, our dear sangha, one of the most precious jewels one can experience. You surely have saved our day over and over again. We are most grateful to have you in our lives.
Thank you for coming together to support one another in our practice.
UPDATE 02/17: LETTER TO SANGHA FROM SUSANNA
Dear Sangha,
Right now, instead of being in a hospital for almost 8 weeks, I wish Allan and I were there with you, our sangha. I wish my Valentine’s Day had been filled with chocolates, roses, and romance rather than recovering from a plane crash. I wish that Allan was healed from his injuries, and that my broken vertebrae were whole and strong again.
But suffering is caused by wanting things to be different from the way they are, and Allan and I are in a hospital, both of us still rather broken. The only way to find any ground of happiness is to let go of the wishes, to release the “if only’s” and “what ifs.” Relinquishing the longing for things to be different from the way they are doesn’t suddenly make me all warm and fuzzy and content. However, it does offer some spaciousness so that I can find myself again in the midst of the trauma and not allow it to define me.
I am finding that this practice of letting go, and allowing whatever is going on to flood through me, without yearning for something different, is an amazing experience. It’s scary, and it certainly doesn’t necessarily feel good or make me happy, but it does teach me to breathe and hold my center through the most horrible moments. I cannot stop the horrible moments, but I can do my best to try and survive them with some wisdom and all the resources I can muster.
So I will keep trying to do the best I can, and not get discouraged when that “best” is pretty inadequate to the challenges presented. I will remember to be compassionate with myself when I have a weepy day of feeling rather sorry for myself. And in climbing those wretched icy mountains that keep popping up, I’ll think of all the wonderful sherpas, all of you, who offer your caring and support. You have shown me that we are not going through this alone.
Thank you for coming together to support one another in our practice.
UPDATE 02/10: LETTER TO SANGHA FROM SUSANNA
Dear Sangha,
Allan and I have come to another turning point in this long winding journey we have crashed into. It’s in many ways an incredibly good point, but one that also feels scary. This journey feels like one of those movie trailers that advertise a film as having a story of “Excitement! Adventure! Courage! Love!” They never mention suffering, but we all know for sure that whenever you have any of the above, you get dukkha with it.
The shift is Allan leaving the ICU Burn Unit and going into an intense inpatient rehabilitation ward in the hospital. He described this shift as, “Now we are at the end of the ‘saving Allan’s life’ part of the journey, and we are beginning the part that will determine the quality of that life.”
I think this is a dramatic version of what we all go through every day. Yes, here we are alive again today, but what will be the quality of that life? With what compassion and wisdom will I meet the challenges of the day? How much of myself am I willing to put into making this a life worth living? How kind and patient will I be with myself and others?
There’s another movie scene that this shift reminds me of. It’s when the adventurers finally, finally struggle to the top of the mountain to escape the wasteland in which they are trapped, and as they get to the top they see….more mountains. Allan and I have made it to the top of the first mountain, but the one ahead looms pretty large right now.
So, we need to follow the wisdom of Pema Chodron:
“Don’t get caught up in hopes of what you’ll achieve and how good your situation will be some day in the future. What you do right now is what matters.”
What you are doing right now is honoring yourself, and coming together to support one another in our practice. I thank you deeply.
UPDATE 02/03: LETTER TO SANGHA FROM SUSANNA
Dear Sangha,
It has been almost six weeks since our crash in Burma. At times it feels endless, so very long. In the strange world of hospitals and their suspension of time, of night and day, I sometimes need to look at a calendar to figure out what day it is or how long it has been since we came back to New York. We have lost count of the number of surgeries Allan has had, and I am about to lose count of the number of orthopedic diagnostic tests for my back, which is presenting some issues. The imaging center here at the hospital, where the MRIs and CT scans are done, is now on speed dial on my phone!
Allan has made a lot of progress. He is getting better everyday now, and I believe he has crossed an important line. It seems that his body is no longer struggling just to survive, but is daily gaining strength and recovering. He says that the thought of coming back to the sangha that he loves so much is an inspiration to do the hard work that is needed.
Allan and I are very grateful to the teachers who have stepped in to nurture CMC. To have Sharon here is so meaningful to us personally and a tremendous gift to our sangha. And we are filled with gratitude and admiration for all of you, who have held the CMC together with your presence, your work, and your commitment to be here for yourselves and for each other.
Thank you for coming together to support one another in our practice.
UPDATE 01/27: LETTER TO SANGHA FROM SUSANNA
Dear Sangha,
This has been a week of ups and downs, cycling through so rapidly at times that everything spins. It makes me appreciate the Buddha’s teaching of the Middle Way. Never have I so desired equanimity–craving big time!
Other teachings have been invaluable–acceptance and relniquishig being absolutely essential to surviving this ordeal. I remember one of the first days after the crash sitting beside Allan’s hospital bed and saying, “This is our life for now.” I don’t know how long this strange and difficult existence will last or even what will arise moment to moment, but I know that without acceptance I wouldn’t have a shred of equanimity. It hasn’t been easy, but there is a certain feeling of simply making the decision, “This is our life for now, and I accept it.” It isn’t a weak, “Oh well, sigh, what can we do?” kind of acceptance but rather it feels quietly strong and grounding.
And relinquishing–losing absolutely everything that we had with us in the crash was a good start. Letting go of material things is so easy compared to all the other relinquishing that is needed. I could make lists that go on and on, but basically it’s “wanting things to be different from the way they are.”
And in this situation, impermanence is our friend.
Thank you for coming together to support one another in our practice.
UPDATE 01/20: LETTER TO SANGHA FROM SUSANNA
Dear Sangha,
“Peace can be found within, no matter the external circumstances.” ― Allan Lokos, Patience: The Art of Peaceful Living
We practice because it is the best way to get through life—to really appreciate the joys, large and small, and to help navigate the choppy seas of the difficulties of life. I didn’t think I’d ever need it to get through something like this, but our practice is there for us. Often, it is the only thing that carries us through the dukkha of this trauma.But it is there. Peace can be found within, no matter the external circumstances. We are getting through this, moment by moment, and our deepest wish is to return to all of you – we miss you!
Allan had another major surgery on Friday, and it went well. That is, from the surgeon’s point of view—indeed, while it is a big step towards healing, it will be an incredibly hard week ahead for Allan. It comes after 3 ½ hard weeks, so it’s a challenge.
But Allan does have a remarkable inner peace. I have really understood bodhicitta watching him. He is unfailingly sweet and kind to everyone, even with the inner overwhelm and struggle. The other day when he was in a drowsy, slightly drugged state after a procedure, I saw he was shaking. I asked him if he was cold, did he want another blanket. With no ability to consciously form the thought in his semi “out of it” state, he said, “Yes, I’m cold, but I don’t want to take another blanket. Someone else might need it.” I confess that was a moment when I cried.
Thank you for coming together to support one another in our practice.
UPDATE 01/13: LETTER TO SANGHA FROM SUSANNA
Dearest Sangha,
Allan arrived from Singapore on a 30 hour fight on an air ambulance, remaining stable the whole flight. I met him at the airport, as I had to fly in separately the night before.
He is now in the very best Burn Unit in NYC. They are working intensively on him, and he’s had several procedures and one major surgery already since arriving. There are many more to come, and it’s a long rough journey for him.
We feel cherished by all of you who send him love, prayers, and metta. The sangha, each of you, means so much to Allan and me. It can be the hardest of days, and Allan will ask, “Any emails to read me?” And there are always so many wonderful ones, communicating your caring and support.
Mary Oliver writes:
We shake with joy, we shake with grief
What a time they have, these two
Housed as they are in the same body
Allan and I have not forgotten to feel joy even as we also shake with grief. By staying present in each moment, we discover great treasures. There is a Zen saying, “Watch how the master puts on his sandals and peels his orange.” Allan cannot peel oranges or put on sandals right now, but I am watching how he deals with pain and darkness and he is teaching me so much each day. Sometimes, it seems we shake with joy and grief at the same time. One of our tasks is simply to let it all in.
Thank you for coming together to support one another in our practice.
UPDATE 01/07: Update with CMC sangha reaction on radio station WNYC – click here to read / hear the story.
UPDATE 01/06: LETTER TO SANGHA FROM SUSANNA
Dearest Sangha,
Allan and I are in a strange land with different languages, foreign customs and traditions. We have been in such difficult conditions and desperate circumstances with great physical, emotional, and spiritual pain.
And, at times, we foolishly felt as if we were all alone. And then, the outpouring of love, metta and prayers from all of you washed over us and we knew we were in no way alone. We are supported and held by your love. I put my Iphone into a plastic baggie, take it into the ICU Burn Unit, and read to Allan the emails, from all over the world, and our hearts open with gratitude and love.
There is no way to explain the extraordinary healing that Allan is experiencing except that your love and support has power beyond what science can explain. He is a strong man, and his practice has sustained him deeply, but through our interconnectedness, each of you is an essential part of his recovery. I have been able to keep going with my injuries in an inexplicable way because you lend me your strength when mine fails. As Allan says, we are all in this soup together.
We hope to be able to come home in a couple of days for Allan’s long recovery. We miss you, and thank you all for coming together today to support one another in our practice.
UPDATE 01/04: Incident covered in New York Post- click here to read the story.
UPDATE 01/03: Incident covered on radio station WNYC – click here to read / hear the story.
Dear Friends,
On Christmas Day, Allan Lokos and Susanna Weiss were in a plane crash while on their trip to Burma. Miraculously, both Allan and Susanna survived, despite the remote location of the crash site and the lack of immediate access to medical care. Susanna suffered broken vertebrae in her back and is okay. Unfortunately, Allan has suffered deep burns over much of his body.
After a harrowing few days, during which Allan and Susanna were cared for by locals from the area of the crash site, an incredible effort was made by both the local community and by officials to get them to Singapore, where they were admitted to one of the best hospitals in Asia.
As of now, Susanna has been released from hospital but Allan is still in the ICU after undergoing two surgeries. However, the latest reports say he is pulling through, and his doctors have been amazed by his strength and spirit. So we have every reason to be optimistic.
Here at home, the CMC board is committed to doing everything we can to aid Allan and Susanna. But we also want to ensure that during this difficult time we stay together as a group and continue the activities of the wonderful sangha that Allan and Susanna have created over the years.
Through the kindness and generosity of the meditation and dharma community, we will continue to meet weekly to further our practice and, more importantly, gather as a group to pray for and send metta to Allan and Susanna in their arduous task of recovery.
Sharon Salzberg has kindly accepted our invitation to teach on Sunday, January 6, and on January 13 Gina Sharpe will lead the session. We will also provide a schedule this Sunday for the weeks ahead, as many other wonderful teachers have offered their time and dharma.
We will also try and give you the latest on Allan’s condition when we meet this Sunday, and we hope and expect that Allan’s daughter, Samantha, will also be with us.
This is such an important time for CMC as a group and for each individual among us. Allan and Susanna have dedicated their lives to the success of CMC, so it is our intention to honor and support Allan and Susanna by maintaining the beautiful, introspective, human, and enlightened community that this is.
Looking forward to seeing you on Sunday.
CMC Board
